The Ignoble Former Duke of York

I do truly despise the British royals, so much so that I engage in hate watching The Crown. I think one of the base beliefs of any real American is “no kings” deep in our souls. So, it is with great pleasure that I report that useless inbreed King Charles finally defenestrated his brother “Randy Andy” — the person once know as Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and now known as who-gives-a-shit. The reason: he is embroiled in the Epstein scandal and probably molested a couple of underage girls. (He, of course, denies the charges.)

The CBC royal coverage is quite good since one of the few failings of our neighbor to the North is that they haven’t gotten rid of the royals from the government of their country. But I’ll save you a click by summarizing: he ain’t a prince no more, he’s kicked out of the house where he and his ex-wife “Fergie” were living (that was paid for by British peasants), he’s moving into some shack on his brother Chuck’s estate (which Chuck “owns” since the royals paid for it with their “own money” i.e., not the massive subsidy that the Brits give them so they can fuck everything in site, be patrons of a lot of charities, and ride horses or whatever else they do in their copious spare time.)

Since most Americans (sensibly) wouldn’t give the royals the steam off of their piss, I was mainly informed about this massive disturbance in the force by the Guardian and the CBC. So that’s good, I guess — our media doesn’t lavish the time and attention on these halfwits that former vassal state and British media do. What would be better is the recognition that the desire to have a king rule us is one of the lower human emotions, and our smart founders, slave owners though they were, at least recognized that it’s a shitty thing to have a king. They put a bunch of safeguards into the Constitution to avoid it, but they didn’t gamble on a bunch of gutless wonders inhabiting Congress who actually do want a king.

I remember once speculating whether Prince Harry was really the son of Charles, since he has some good common sense and seems to be the only member of that weird family who chooses his spouse over the rest of them. This really pissed off a couple of commenters at Balloon-Juice. Well, there’s no accounting for the bad taste of some commenters, so apologies in advance if you are offended by my view that these clowns should be forced to seek honest employment, and that Harry’s dad was Diana’s horse trainer. Also, this William guy is a real prize asshole, since he apparently is all pissed that Harry is upset with the family over their racism about his wife, Meghan Markle. Welp, inbreeds gonna inbreed.